Full Moon in Aries

Regularly, my heart is cracked open by the daily practice of journaling over time with astrology. In awe, I wonder: "Wait ...

Am I actually allowing myself to trust the process this much?

Am I actually collaborating with this current of creativity beyond my mind?

Is it actually always right Here and Now?"

Let Go. Be Here Now. Trust the process. These reminders all sound good during chill times and, yeah, make sense conceptually ... but also can kind of feel like an awful joke when it comes down to taking action, paying bills, separating from a significant relationship, or fighting for justice.

But this is exactly when Life pushes these spiritual concepts through our direct experience into embodiment. And this process is — or has been for me — fairly terrifying. And painful. This idea of “trusting myself”, “trusting the process” and “being creative” does not look like how I thought it would look. I guess on some level, I was holding onto the delusion that maybe as I grew in awareness, skill, competence, age, experience .... I could protect myself from the uncertainty of life.

But instead, I am settling within the very center of it.

Until astrology, I was driven by a pattern of reflexively jumping out of the present moment and all of its uncertainty, and into the future.

But working with my chart over the years has reiterated over and over and over again, this:

Your wholeness, your power, your creative agency is exactly where you are, right here and now.

Astrology has reflected this back to me enough times that now I find myself, more often than not, actually saying OK. Saying Yes to Life. Not “Yes”, as in “Yes I am cool with this.” But just a “Yes. This is here. I am here. I am Whole in this present moment and nowhere but this present moment. My wholeness exists in my body’s longing, in my listening, in my seeing myself, in my seeing you, in what I know, in what I don’t know yet, in my sincere intentions, in my letting go …”

For example ...

Around last March 24th, when we had a New Moon in Aries conjunct Chiron, I had just experienced a physically excruciating procedure for the fourth time, faced doctor’s mistakes, inappropriate bedside manner etc. The experience was a layering of mental anguish of all the "What IF’s" upon real-time physical pain.

And, after this experience, I could see this layering of resistance to the “What IS” upon the actual reality of the “What Is”, mirrored all around my life, to various degrees. I could see it as a valid, understandable, forgivable human experience. I could give myself compassion around it. But also, it was an unsustainable split. From this place of seeing and feeling these energy drains, I articulated clear intentions around actually living in integrity with something I “knew” as a concept of emotional and spiritual maturity, that I hadn't been able to access yet. It wasn’t embodied.

Here's the thing: I didn't know how to "get it in my body". I didn't know how to live it.

My personal will couldn't take me there alone.

This is where Chiron comes in. And the Now moment.

So at that time in March, I set an intention along the lines of surrendering to the present moment, trusting my Self, and accepting that this present moment was One with my Self. In other words, resisting the moment, was to resist myself. It was fairly simple, but a deeply sincere intention.

Since then, I had forgotten about it. Astrology can reveal many portal moments to drop intentions into, and give you a map to check back on those intentions, and see and nurture their growth. There are so many cycles, it doesn't feel possible to actually keep all them all in mind, all the time. Which, for me, seems to be a gift in and of itself, because it has allowed me to set intentions and authentically let them go ... Until the point in time comes where I have arrived at a key growth point in a particular cycle, and I can intentionally check in with it.

Like now. With this Full Moon in Aries conjunct Chiron, I was reminded to go and check my journal on March 24th. And I was in awe. I found I had articulated in my intention exactly what I am growing into now, directly experiencing now, around Presence and Trust. Again, it felt a simple intention at the time, but now, as I actually feel it growing in myself and my body, it is intensely new and ground-breaking and feels resourcefully Creative, given the challenges we are facing. And now, I can look back over time, and follow the threads of how Life — in ways far beyond how I could or would have willfully planned it — has helped my cells remember this truth:

I am trustworthy.

I can trust my Self.

I can trust Life.

And this is without spiritual bypassing the inevitable pain of Life. It truly cracks my heart open in awe and a kind of a trembling humility, vulnerability, and wide open eyes.

There is no need to wait for something to happen in the future to know who I am. Astrology (and specifically Chiron) has guided me through peeling back the layers and allowing me to experience my Divinity ... which, is to say, my Okay-ness and Enoughness… right here, right now.

If you want to experience such a container, check out the Living Moons Mentorship, at a reduced price until the end of 2020, and read more about Inner Gardening.

Full Moon Blessings,

Nicole