Full Moon in Leo

Reparenting is a path to abundance that lasts.

Being a Full Moon in Leo, I’m going to lean into some vulnerability and share a personal story of my own reparenting process to give some insight around what it is, what it might look and feel like — including some of the pitfalls and possibilities that are highlighted under this astrology in particular.

So … right now, I am a mama raising two children during a pandemic and also working to grow a business that my family depends upon for income. Which means that my work hours are currently 4:30-8:30 AM, plus any other time I can scrap together. (To be clear, this is not a complaint about the early hours; I love enjoying the still darkness, the warmth of the fire, hot coffee and breakfast as I work.) However, one or two mornings a week, this impeccable coziness and pure gem of a moment to truly focus, gets smashed. Just … shattered.

And, also, yes. That is a total exaggeration of what is actually happening in the moment, which is that my one year old child has woken up, has immediately expressed her utter adoration of books and we are now reading on the floor together, book after book after book after book. It could be seen as a totally sweet and tender moment to be cherished, a page in a life chapter that will be over far too soon.

But, honestly the felt experience of it has, as a pattern, been shattering. I need a minute to connect to myself before I start another day where I am rarely by myself and always attending others. I also need time to get my work done. I need to make money. I need to …. and, my mind can go on. Hence, I have found myself sitting on the floor with this tiny beautiful human, stars bright and cold outside, no sound but a crackling wood stove and her periodic and quite urgent requests for the next book. And feeling … mad. Just. So. Mad.

There have been more than a handful of mornings like this. And, each time, I have re-parented myself through another inherited belief, another veil that has separated me from being fully present and receptive to What Is.

The limiting beliefs have included, but are not limited to (oh, the endless onion of the journey):

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I am not allowed to have needs. This has translated to me not going downstairs and simply asking my partner to get up and be with our baby, which then brings up feelings of anger and resentment — OR — Yes, me asking my partner to get up, which then brings up feelings of guilt around depriving him of important sleep before his day of manual labor.

I am not seen or supported. This has translated to me harnessing all my frustration and directing it toward my partner, when I "have" to actually verbalize a request for support.

I can’t have or express hard feelings, especially anger. This has translated to me immediately feeling guilty for being mad at my partner, and then having a very confusing conversation with him, full of mixed signals, due to no firm understanding of my needs and wants.

My worth depends on my work (which is always connected to) I don’t have enough time. — This has translated to approaching the day as a battle to fit work in and perceiving the reality of “What Is” as, often, quite hostile to my goals and plans.

(I'm wondering if any of these limiting beliefs or experiences resonate with you?)

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When I started reparenting work, just rationally identifying and working through, in my mind, some of these limiting beliefs felt enough to shift patterns. For example, I thought that conditioning around gender roles, with respect to negotiating and navigating career and family, didn’t have much grasp left in my psyche. It felt enough to conceptually understand what was happening and to determine what I thought it should look like to be liberated from that conditioning; to practice directly communicating my needs and expectations; and to hold space for emotions that came up around that process. Check, check. Got it. That actually was a big step and shifted some patterns in significant ways. However, it wasn’t everything.

With the ruler of my Ascendent being Jupiter in Aquarius (Fixed Air), I can feel pretty empowered by knowledge systems and intellectual frameworks for deconstructing cultural and familial programs or belief systems. And there is an inclination to think that’s sufficient. But just thinking, conceiving, conceptualizing, and communicating outside binaries is truly not radical enough to heal and integrate the feminine and masculine principles in our human embodiment.

So, despite the new resolutions my partner and I arrived at around our schedules, these morning interruptions were still bringing up a lot for me. Or, more accurately, my mind was continuing to bring up a lot around them. So, when I was feeling activated, I would ask myself: What age am I? At first, it felt like an entirely unhelpful and inane question. Because ... what I was, was my actual age. And, what there was in front of me, was an actual problem that needed to be addressed. After that was all figured out, I told myself that I could reflect upon that (absurd) question (but never would).

But eventually, over time, due to a practice of repetitively turning my attention inward and noticing the sensations in my body … when I asked myself this question, I’d actually receive the answer.

For example, sometimes I was so frustrated that the impulsive reaction in my body was to pick up anything within reach and just chuck it at the wall. Just hurl everything EVERYWHERE. But the thing is, I didn’t actually follow through with that inclination due to whatever self-control I had developed as an adult. And instead I seamlessly invested that energy into my thinking. I went into thinking, I feel so frustrated and these are all the reasons why this feeling is justified. There were elements of truth in that "reasoning" that needed to be seen by me, but there wasn’t accurate perception to actually receive those elements of truth and effectively work with them.

By pausing to connect to myself, I saw that my inner toddler self was activated and projecting her own unmet needs into the mix, making a mess in my thinking, communicating, and relating (Air), thereby stabilizing (Fixed) an intergenerational pattern. Recognizing this at play, I could imagine having many moments of feeling SO helpless or SO powerless about something that I was wanting and needing as a toddler, and getting so MAD … only to be shamed and shushed for my feelings. I saw how this pattern surfaced repeatedly through my teenage years, until I effectively learned to judge and repress these unacceptable feelings and take on the responsibility of other adult’s emotional reactions. My True Self was no longer guiding my decisions, but rather my avoidance of tripping another person's emotions and taking care of their emotional stability.

This Self-Witnessing gave me an opportunity to call this younger Nicole into my own field of radical self-acceptance and compassion, hold space, and actually integrate what I conceptually know (i.e. that there are no bad emotions, emotions come and go, anger is a messenger) and rebuild Trust between my Inner Child and Inner Parent/Wise Adult (Sun-Jupiter in Aquarius opposing Moon in Leo).

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OK, so I want to take one more step in my story, although it is already long, because I think it is important for the inner work that needs to be done in order to make shifts on a collective scale.

The most recent episode/layer to be undone of this pattern happened this past week. My child woke up at 4:30. So now, here is this tiny human hugging onto my leg asking to be picked up, as I fill the kettle with water for my coffee. I could have picked her up. But, even with all the work I've done around it, I still would have picked her up, all mad about it. And that is fine and valid, and I could have just proceeded, empathizing with myself that of course I’m mad — this is my one time to enjoy space and quiet! That wouldn’t have been bad or wrong. And, that’s a step and a layer of this (spiraling) process. But for me and where I was at in the moment (and under this particular astrological weather), it was time to see something. Not for the purpose of fixing or getting rid of the anger, but to keep turning toward that something within, trying to get my attention.

I looked at my daughter. She was mad, but not beside herself. She was upset, but safe and OK. So, I closed my eyes and went through some limiting beliefs to see what was activated.

None of them resonated.

So, I just felt into my body. And what came up was this feeling of being deprived nourishment. I felt like I was starting my day being deprived actual food that I needed. When I connected to that feeling, my heart broke open to my infant self. Being raised in an era of cry-it-out and formula over breastmilk, I know I had moments as an infant where this hunger was real and experienced, on some level, to some extent (***If you are a parent feeling activated by this comment, please read note at the bottom**). This was stored in my emotional body, and I could look back and see how it had played into different scenarios, decision-makings, and relationships throughout my life into adulthood. The feeling was hard, seamlessly judged, rejected, projected and layered upon to the current situation, well before I was aware of it. It was recycled back into co-creation.

I recognized that what this morning time means to me, is the possibility to begin the day by connecting to, receiving nourishment from, and re-Sourcing my True Self. I stretch, meditate and open up to my work. But this morning — (and I allowed my mind say what it wanted to, so that I could see what was going on) — “my morning is being taken from me, I don’t have my time, I’m not getting what I need”. When I heard these words “taken”, “have”, and “getting” being triggered, I saw I was in Ego or, in other words, coming from the paradigm of separation. (It is important to note here that, in reality, my basic needs were actually met. I was fed, sheltered, warm and safe, and that is why those particular words were cues to turn within). My infant Self was activated and I had yet to build Trust with this particular aspect of my Self, that I would indeed (a) SEE, hear, give empathy, include, hold space for her needs and feelings and (b) I would advocate for her, in a way that is aligned and integrated with the rest of my Self, my Adult values, intentions, and vision (this process is really articulated right now with Saturn in Aquarius opposing the Moon in Leo).

Largely due to the container that astrology and reparenting has given me for consistent self-inquiry, this whole process I just described lasted maybe 15-30 seconds. Then I opened my eyes, looked down, and I SAW my one-year-old. I actually saw her for who she was and where she was, and not the veil of my expectation (i.e. this person in front of me that should be asleep). Instead, I saw her in all her genuine baby humanness and I was able to pick her up with love, kindness and compassion. AND, also, I was able to wake up my partner and give her over to him, with love, kindness, and compassion for myself.

And this is how I am finding the root energies behind "gender roles" continue to get pulled up, healed and integrated in how I embody the feminine and masculine energies of the Inner Mother and Inner Father archetypes. These energies are TRULY not categorized by biological sex, nor exclusive to or static within any gender expression. As such, it is not enough to liberate our minds or culture from harmful gender programming via conceptual knowledge and terminology - although that is important and helps. It involves slowing down to feel and allow, see, integrate and heal polarities within.

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I want to acknowledge that, in the scope of what we are facing in the world today, this little anecdote about interruptions to my morning work sounds and feels so incredibly insignificant.

But, I truly believe that if we are going to make impact on the big scale, we have to attend to the small in our lives and take responsibility for what is going on in our inner world.

I look around and see inner children popping up everywhere in all interactions, diluting the potency of our individual creative focus and unique gifts (Leo) and collaborative potential (Aquarius). Some parts of us are aligned with our intention and possibility, and some parts of us remain in unconscious opposition to it, due to being partly stuck in the past. It is not our fault, but it is our responsibility to get curious about it. And it absolutely helps to have a context and tools to facilitate the process.

Sign up for a hybrid coaching session of astrology (click the "Coaching" tab) and reparenting to dive into the work and our collective liberation.

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Full Moon Reflections

This year has a lot of activity in Fixed signs. And with Fixed signs, I always ask — what lasts? What is it in me that lasts? What is it that will last beyond this particular decision, this particular effort, challenge, opportunity, celebration, cycle? As I navigate this current life situation, what am I remembering of my True Self that will allow me to move through the next moment with more surrender and agency?

With Uranus in Taurus, I am asking — what habituated structure of thinking, feeling, and behaving in me is getting shaken right now? What pattern is being disrupted? Furthermore, with the Mars conjunction to Uranus last week, activated under this Full Moon, I am asking — what expression of courage aligns with the disruption of this old identification? How and where can I apply my personal will to collaborate with this bigger process of unfolding?

With Jupiter conjoined to the Sun of this Full Moon, in square to this degree of last week’s Mars-Uranus contact, I'm asking — if I have a sneaking suspicion that self-doubt is continuing to shape my creative energy through the strategies and certainties that no longer serve me, and there might be another way that I just don't see yet, can I practice cultivating my trust in the transformational power of Witnessing? Can I observe the ripple effects of my assumptions beyond my point-A-to-point-B agenda? In other words, if I allow myself to continue identifying with this train of thought, how does it impact my connection to Self, to others and to the present moment; how does it feel in my body; how does it shape the possibility space; what impact does it have on how I am using the powers of my imagination?

With this Full Moon occurring in the sign of Leo, what age am I right now? If big feelings are coming up, what age does it feel like? Is there a younger Self being activated by a current situation, that is asking for the light and warmth of my own attention, love, compassion, and inclusion, which I now have the capacity and tools to give?

And finally, with Venus conjunct Pluto, what toxic patterns of judgment or shame are finally composted when I value my Inner Child in this way?

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[[***Note from the story above: This is just say that there is no perfection in parenting. There is no single right way. No single right path. No control. In fact, part of parenting is coming into humble relationship with the reality that we each will inevitably not recognize a need of our child’s, not be able to meet it, and they will have meet the implications of that as they become adults. The goal then is not perfection, but to give them a toolbox that supports self-awareness, self-forgiveness, resilience and their own reparenting so that they can heal and remember and recover medicine and wisdom at the center of their own hurt, which we unwittingly contributed to. This doesn’t mean we’re bad parents. And it also doesn’t mean that we don’t need to still try our very best. It does mean that we re-contextualize parenting as a process of raising tiny humans with the tools to become their own best Inner Parent. Just as true Teachers awaken our own Inner Teacher, true Healers awaken our own Inner Healer, the true Parent awakens our own Inner Parent. Sign up for a Conscious Parenting session (click the "Coaching" tab) to receive support and tools for your journey. ***]]

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So much love and Full Moon Blessings,

Nicole